


Thoughts of an Exhausted Bucky

by Shanamj



Series: Character Exploration [1]
Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bucky Barnes Has Issues, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Bucky Barnes-centric, Bucky/Steve if you want I guess, Captain America: Civil War quinjet scene, Character Study, Existential Crisis, Gen, Internal Monologue, Self-Denial, Self-Doubt, Steve is just there, The lines get blurred, but not really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-03
Updated: 2018-07-03
Packaged: 2019-06-04 18:21:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15152957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shanamj/pseuds/Shanamj
Summary: "I don’t know if I’m worth all this, Steve.” Bucky says, already expecting Steve’s protest before it comes.  Bucky isn’t the same as he was before, the person that Steve wants to save.or Alternativelya look into the long quin-jet ride that took our two heroes to the old HYDRA base





	Thoughts of an Exhausted Bucky

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [( Reflections) For a long time I lived under vast colonnades](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12533344) by [Saladtrip](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Saladtrip/pseuds/Saladtrip). 



> This work was inspired by an fic I read that was kind of a look into Loki's mind. I just wanted to try my hand and exploring the thoughts of some characters that I really love and it's gonna start with Bucky and make it's way around I guess.

“I don’t know if I’m worth all this, Steve.” Bucky says, already expecting Steve’s protest before it comes. Bucky isn’t the same as he was before, the person that Steve wants to save. It’s not him, that person was lost when he fell off the train a decade ago. That person is who he wants to be, half for Steve and half for himself, but he knows that’s not him anymore and he can’t bring himself to be something he isn’t, someone he can’t even remember. He needs Steve to understand that all of this sacrifice isn’t worth it, that he isn’t worth it. All the people who helped Steve escape with Bucky are going to be punished and for what? So Bucky can help Steve off the last few super soldiers left, if they’re even still there.

“What you did all those years, wasn’t you. You didn’t have a choice.” Steve speaks after sighing, as if all his strength is gone and Bucky imagines it is. _Betraying your friends will take a lot out of you._ Bucky thinks before he can stop himself.

  
“I know, but I did it.” Bucky needs Steve to understand that this isn’t just about him and his free will anymore. Bucky has never forgotten those who he was forced to take away because even if he was under HYDRA’s control, it was still him. It was his hands that wrapped around each throat or his fingers pulling the trigger. He watches the way Steve’s face changes, morphs itself into a frown and maybe if Bucky could remember, it would be familiar to him, comfort him a little, but the frustration that makes its way onto Steve’s face just makes Bucky uncomfortable. He finds himself looking around the quinjet, trying to find an exit just in case this all goes wrong and he feels his fingers tighten where he’s laid them on his leg.  
“Bucky.” Steve doesn’t say his name, he breathes it, like it holds so much weight or significance to him and all it really manages to do is make Bucky more uncomfortable. He watches the way Steve’s hands grips the wheel of the the ship and he shifts, like he wants to look at Bucky, but decided against it last minute. “Bucky, what’re you trying to say.”

  
There’s a buzzing in Bucky’s ear once the question leaves Steve’s mouth and he tries to figure out how to answer that because he’s sure that ‘I don’t know’ won’t be a good enough answer for Captain fucking America. He really thinks, gently works through his thoughts because that’s all Bucky has ever been allowed to do. It’s all that has ever truly been his. Even as The Winter Soldier, Bucky had his thoughts, things HYDRA could never reach till they decided to fry him again and then it was gone. After running away, losing himself in the poverty and the easiness that Romania had to offer, he had used his time to make plans so that no matter what he’d always be able to escape, so that he’d never need anyone else and, more importantly, so he could remember who he wanted to be. It seemed he was able to do everything except for the last thing and as the months passed, he decided it might be easier if he just forgot his past, all of it and everyone in it, but Steve always came back.

  
Bucky wonders why Steve trusts him so much, even if it’s obvious that he isn’t the same Bucky that Steve remembers. Every time he meets Steve, he feels his plans crumble through his fingers. Bucky can’t remember Steve, but, as cliche as it sounds, his heart does. When Steve laughs, it makes him want to laugh too. Seeing Steve always makes Bucky freeze, like there’s something he needs to tell him. Steve feels familiar and it makes Bucky want to trust him, but the last time Bucky trusted anyone he ended up in a lab getting his brain fried and it’s this that makes him hesitant. No matter how much he wants to be the old Bucky, who laughs with Steve and leans on him, he can’t. That’s not him anymore, he doesn’t even have those memories anymore. Bucky doesn’t remember James Buchanan Barnes, even if Steve still sees him as that.

  
Bucky realizes he’s been quiet too long when Steve clears his throat and then the question is back, weighing heavy on his mind. _What’re you trying to say?_ There’s an answer that sits in his throat that he knows Steve will like, but it’s not the right answer at least not for Bucky. “I don’t know who I am. I can’t remember anything from before I became this. All the memories I have are from HYDRA. It’s what makes me their weapon. If I choose to believe that the few memories I have, even if they’re of bad things, of people dying at my hands aren’t mine. Then I’m truly lost. I can’t be your Bucky, I don’t remember the things that he does and I can’t,” he pauses and sucks in a breath, “God, I can’t be The Winter Soldier, I don’t want to hurt people anymore. But I can still be someone if I keep those memories. The Winter Soldier isn’t me, but I did those things.” Bucky doesn’t bother to look up. He doesn’t want to see Steve’s reaction, his disappointment at Bucky’s words.

  
Silence invades the quinjet and Bucky’s fingers begin to pick at the seatbelt the longer that the silence lasts. He wonders, if it wasn’t for the mission, if Steve would take the chance to throw him out of the quinjet, really get rid of him once and for all. Bucky’s admitted to not being the person that Steve is looking for and now he has to trust that Steve won’t change. The reason Steve went against his friends was because he thought that he could save Bucky, could bring back his old friend from the war.  
Bucky swallows when he hears Steve sigh. “Okay.” Steve’s voice is quiet, but it’s still firm. “Alright, Buck, I hear ya, but you need to understand that you’re still important to me.”  
“Oh, trust me, Steven, you’ve made that very clear and-” Bucky stops himself when Steve turns around to face him and he wants to tell the other to watch the skies, but it’s the look on his face that keeps him from speaking. It’s something very familiar, something that Bucky recognizes and it makes his heart drop to his stomach. Steve’s face is contorted into a mix of sorrow and determination and, after robbing the voice from Bucky’s mouth, it also kills any lingering thoughts.

  
“Bucky, it’s because you are so important to me that I’m going to help you remember. It’s impossible for you to be anyone if you can’t remember your past and you deserve to have knowledge of what it was like to be happy and of,” Steve trails off, but doesn’t break the eye contact that he’s making with him, “other emotions. You shouldn’t have to relearn emotions, so I want you to remember how to be something other than angry and scared. You’re my best friend, Buck. I’ll do just about anything for you.” Steve turns around as soon as he’s finished.

Bucky finds words dissolving on his tongue like snow in the sun as he tries to piece together anything to tell Steve. Maybe it’s a sign that it doesn’t matter anymore because nothing he says can change Steve’s mind. Just because Bucky doesn’t see himself as the best friend Steve grew up with, doesn’t mean that he can make the other feel the same way. Bucky has gotten too used to having others give up on him and maybe that’s why things with Steve feel so different. Steve is always there even when he begs him not to be and no matter how much he wants to be angry, he never finds it lasting very long. Maybe this is what he needed all those years, even while he was The Winter Soldier, just someone who cared for him. He finds himself wondering how long this will really last and if he’s truly worth any of this. The fact that Steve, no, Captain America has put his reputation and practically his life on the line just to prove to the world that Bucky isn’t who everyone thinks he is. Bucky hopes that Steve knows what he’s doing, prays that maybe all that determination that Steve has built up will actually be put to good use if he uses it on him.

  
Bucky wants to be better, but he knows with HYDRA’s words still in his head there will always be that doubt. Maybe there’ll be another HYDRA agent, waiting for him when he lets his guard down or maybe even S.H.I.E.L.D themselves, after all this, will gain custody of that book and then it’ll really be all over. He wonders how many times he has to be someone’s villain before the world will actually try to help him. Steve’s sentiment is what made him falter when they first met, but Bucky wonders if Steve will stick to his word. If he won’t just turn once everything starts to get worst. Then, Bucky guesses, he’ll really be at odds. America or Steve, either way he thinks he’ll find himself diluted to their very own version of himself. He’ll become their weapon, their tool to put out whenever the Avengers or the government need a scapegoat, someone for the public to dig their nails into and curse themselves at night. Children brought up on stories of the monster that takes away bad kids and at the center he’ll be their monster.

  
That’s all he’s ever been anyway, someone’s monster. The thought makes him tense in his seat and stare at Steve. What happens when he realizes that he isn’t his best friend. The thing about Captain is that it seems, his pride keeps him from listening to others. When that pride mixes with disappointment, it’ll be enough to cause a war on it’s own. Bucky sighs and shakes his head. _That’s it, then I’ll be yours to destroy._ He can feel anger fill him and then fizzle out because he knows there’s no point. It’s just him and Steve and he’s gotten tired of fighting. If it came down to it, Bucky knows he’d lose because there is no one on his side anymore. No Steve, no HYDRA and certainly, The Avengers wouldn’t have a change of heart. Essentially, he’s what’s tearing them apart and he’s sure Ironman would jump at the chance to wipe him out.

“What’re we gonna do after this, Steve?” Bucky ignores the way his voice wavers on ‘we,’ like it’s his body that’s gotten so used to being alone it can’t even allow its voice to try and associate with others.  
“We’ll figure it out. Once we settle this and prove your innocence, I’ll make a plan. Don’t worry, Buck.” Steve’s voice is commanding, much like the leader he’s turned himself into and Bucky supposes he should be impressed, but the response just fills him with dread. Steve seems to forget that, even with him being innocent, the government, hell, a good bit of The Avengers still hate him. While Steve or Captain America or whatever mask he decides to put on for the day, has a chance for redemption, Bucky knows that everyone else wants him dead. As long as Bucky has a past as The Winter Soldier, they’ll want him to burn. He wonders why Steve is choosing to ignore this.

  
“We’re gearing up for another fight.” Bucky chose his words wisely, figures it’s better to hope for the best, shoot for a fight instead of a war.  
“It doesn’t always have to end up as a fight, Bucky.” Steve responds and Bucky can’t stop the scoff that claws its way out of his throat. _There’s got to be a limit to the amount of optimism someone can have._ When it comes down to Bucky surviving peacefully, out of hiding, safe, there will always be a fight. Even as The Winter Soldier, he’d had to fight to prove himself still an asset, ever stronger than the other soldiers the produced. There’s always a fight, for as much as Bucky can remember, he’s always been fighting to prove he was worthy to be kept alive. Steve’s voice cuts him out of his thoughts. “I’m serious, don’t scoff at me. We don’t always have to settle down with a fight.”

“We might not, but I do. I’ve always been fighting, Steve. The only way I’ve been alive this long is because of fighting. These people, your government, they don’t want nothing to do with me. Most of them, if they could kill me with their own hands they would. You’re delusional if you think that there won’t be a fight.” Bucky takes a deep breath, trying to kill the fear he feels nesting in his stomach.  
“Just trust me. There won’t be another fight. I’ll protect you. I told you how important you are to me, so just trust me.” Steve is calm, like he’s seen this all before, but it just makes Bucky more nervous. He has to force down the liar that wants to crawl out of his mouth because he knows Steve doesn’t realize just how much he’s asking from Bucky. His trust in anyone the sun shined on, died the moment he awoke to himself strapped to a table, fried with the rest of his brain cells. Trust isn’t something that exists in his world.

  
“I haven’t trusted anyone in a long time.”  
“Well, there’s always time for a first. Besides, you had enough faith to get on this plane with me. For all you know, we could be going anywhere but the base. I’m not just ‘anyone.’” His voice tilts upwards and Bucky can feel the smile on his face. And there it is. The one thing that Captain America seems to be full of, pride. It makes Bucky want to throw himself out of the plane, but he decides that it’d be counterproductive.  
“How could I forget, I do have the esteemed pleasure to be riding with Captain America.” He doesn’t stop the sarcasm that coats his sharp words and he hopes they dig themselves into Steve’s skin.

  
“No, you’re riding with Steve, just Steve. The guy who you used to be friends with, the one you pulled out of the water when you could’ve just let me drown. The person you remember, or did remember, even if only a little bit.” His voice is soft and it causes a heavy weight in Bucky’s chest. “Stop trying to push me away, Bucky. ‘Cause I’m not going anywhere.”

  
Bucky swallows, decides not to talk and to instead try and brace himself. He can feel a part of himself move at the words, like it’s all he’s ever wanted to hear. A constant, someone he can rely on, but he knows it won’t last. It can’t last because he isn’t worth it. He knows it’s a lie, it has to be a lie. _God, everything is easier if this is a lie._ He feels his hands shake and he doesn’t know what to do. Maybe this is what he wanted to hear, but it’s hard and he’s angry that it’s so easy for Steve to say to someone who is practically a stranger. He knows that Steve still believes he can bring the old Bucky out of him and he hates it. That’s his worth to Steve, a mirror image of a friend lost to war. It’s not forgiveness for what he’s done as much as it’s chosen ignorance. Starting here is a foundation of glass and Steve refuses to see that.

  
It makes him want to scream and Bucky takes another deep breath, sit back in his chair. “Alright.” His voice is a whisper and if Steve hears him, he doesn’t respond and that’s fine. It would just infuriate him more. He can’t make Steve understand, but he’ll see it himself. It isn’t worth arguing with him anymore. Bucky'll just have to be ready when Steve finally leaves. Because if he prepares for the inevitable, he doesn't have to be scared of it anymore. Steve will realize that he is no longer his Bucky and then Steve will destroy him. He’ll build himself stairs to climb once Steve is done tearing him down from the fragmented peace he found while hiding in Romania. It would be easier if these words weren’t inside of his head. If his mind was his and not hiding a bomb. For now, he’ll just use it as a warning. He’ll allow Steve to lead him until Steve doesn’t want to anymore and then he’ll run again and build himself a new life as anyone else.

  
Bucky doesn’t want to hurt people anymore, so it’ll be easier if he lets them hurt him and then run away, far away, to places no one will think to look. He will find peace in being nomadic. He takes comfort in this as the quinjet lands and Steve hops out. He offers Bucky his hand and he takes it, allows himself to look at Steve and take in the cold air. Bucky takes a deep breath and it brings him into some clarity. He follows Steve inside the base and he swallows the fear that gets caught in his throat. He pauses, wonders if this is the start to his ascendance or his destruction and finds peace in his anticipation for figuring it out.


End file.
